ただただ存在してほしいもの - りか - CLUB 一休・イッキュウ - 蕨のキャバクラ

今日、タワーマンションについての文章を読んでいた。
高層階に住む富裕層ほど、地上から離れることでさまざまな不便を抱える。それでもなぜ、人は高いところに住みたがるのか。
そんな話だった。
最初は自己顕示欲について考えていた。
なぜ人は、自分の能力や成功を他人に見せたくなるのか。
焦りからなのか不安だからなのか。

もちろん、それ自体が好きな人もいる。 快適、美しい、性能がいいから、理由は様々にあるだろう。
でも、もしそこにそれを持っている自分を他人に見てほしいという気持ちがあるとすれば、そもそも所有とは何なのだろう。
本当にその物が欲しいのか。
それを持っている自分が欲しいのか。それを持っている自分に向けられる他人からの評価が欲しいのか。
そんなことを考えていると、くそつまらないし、虚しいし、だんだん何も欲しくなくなってくる。


では、誰にも見られないとして、私は何が欲しいのだろう。
誰にも見せれないし、誰にも値段を知られない。 誰にもすごいと思われない。
それでも欲しいもの。
考えてみたら、物で欲しいものがほとんどなかった。
物は自分を満たしてくれない。集めても集めても満足どころか虚しくなることが多い。
で、最終的に自分の欲しいものが一つ残った。
それは意外なことに、人だった。そういえば、人にしか私は満たされたことがない。幸せを貰ったことも人にしかない。
ただ、人を所有したいということではなくて、その人に、存在していてほしいってこと。

物を所有することと、人に存在してほしいと思うことは、まったく違う欲望。

物は自分のものにできるし、お金があれば手に入る。
でも人間はそうではない。
大切な人でも、自分のものにはならない。思い通りにならないし、そばにいてくれる保証もない。
それでもやっぱり、いてほしい。
誰にも見せなくても、そこにいてほしい。

私は物に対しても同じなのかもしれない。
自分で買った物より、誰かからもらった物の方がずっと大切。
それは別に高価でなくていい。 正直、偽物でもいい。
適当に選ばれたものなら嫌だけれど、その人との関係の中で渡されたものなら、値段なんてどうでもいいと思う。

市場では、千円の物と百万円の差があっても、人間関係の中ではそんな価値はいとも簡単にひっくり返ってしまう。
そこにあるのは最早、物ではなく、その人との関係がある。

だから私は、人からもらった物を手放せないし、売ろうとも思わない。
同じ商品を買うことはできても、あのとき、あの人が私にくれたものを買い直すことはできないからだ。
結局自分は、物にすら、人間がくっついた瞬間に価値を感じてしまう。


しかし妙なんだ。
私は一人でいるのが好きだ。
ずっと誰かと一緒にいたいわけではない。 一人でいる時間が好きだ。
でも、人間は見ていたいし、知りたい。
そして大切な人については、何かしてくれなくても、何かをくれなくても、ただ存在していてほしいと思う。
人間に呆れることも多いし、だるいし、めんどくさいことも多い。
それでも、結局いつも考えているのは人間のことなんだ。
一人でいるのは好きなのに、人間が好きだった。
人間をものすごく愛おしく思ってしまう。


自己顕示欲について考えていたはずが、最後に残ったのはそんなことだった。
誰にも見せなくても欲しいものってなんだろう。
それは、所有できる何かではなくて、
ただ、この世界にいてほしいと思える人だった。




Today, I read something about high-rise condominiums.
It was about how the wealthier people are, the more likely they are to live on the upper floors, even though living farther from the ground comes with all kinds of inconveniences.
So why do people still want to live so high up?
That got me thinking about the desire to show oneself off.
Why do people feel the need to display their abilities or success to others?
Is it impatience? Is it insecurity?
Of course, some people simply like those things for what they are. They may be comfortable, beautiful, or exceptionally well made. There are plenty of reasons.
But if part of the desire comes from wanting other people to see you as someone who owns those things, then I started wondering:
What does it actually mean to own something?
Do I really want the thing itself?
Or do I want to be the person who owns it?
Or perhaps what I really want is the admiration directed at me for being the kind of person who owns it.
The more I thought about it, the more painfully boring and empty it all seemed.
And gradually, I stopped wanting anything at all.
So then I asked myself:
What would I want if no one could ever see it?
If I could never show it to anyone. If no one could know how much it cost. If no one could ever think I was impressive for having it.
What would I still want?
When I really thought about it, there were hardly any material things left.
Things don't fulfill me.
I can collect more and more of them, but instead of feeling satisfied, I often end up feeling emptier.
And eventually, there was only one thing left that I genuinely wanted.
Strangely enough, it was people.
Come to think of it, only people have ever truly fulfilled me.
And every real happiness I have ever received has come from another human being.
But I don't mean that I want to possess people.
I mean that I want them to exist.
Wanting to own a thing and wanting another person to exist are completely different kinds of desire.
Things can become mine. If I have enough money, I can buy them.
People are different.
Even someone precious to me can never truly belong to me. I cannot make them do what I want. There is no guarantee that they will always remain beside me.
And still, I want them to be here.
Even if no one else ever sees them, I want them to exist in this world.
Perhaps I feel the same way about objects, too.
Things given to me by someone else often mean far more to me than things I have bought for myself.
They don't have to be expensive.
Honestly, I don't even care if they're fake.
I wouldn't want something that had been chosen carelessly. But if something was given to me within the context of a relationship—if it carries something of that person and what existed between us—then I don't really care what it costs.
In the marketplace, there may be an enormous difference in value between something worth a thousand yen and something worth a million.
But within a human relationship, that hierarchy can be overturned in an instant.
Because what is there is no longer merely an object.
The relationship itself is there.
That's why I can't bring myself to get rid of things people have given me. I don't want to sell them either.
I could buy the exact same product again, but I could never buy back the thing that person gave me at that particular moment.
In the end, even objects become valuable to me the moment a human being becomes attached to them.
And yet, there is something strange about all of this.
I love being alone.
I don't want to be with someone all the time. I genuinely enjoy being by myself.
And yet I want to watch people. I want to know them.
And when it comes to the people who matter to me, they don't have to do anything for me. They don't have to give me anything.
I simply want them to exist.
People disappoint me all the time. They can be exhausting. They can be incredibly annoying.
And yet, somehow, I always end up thinking about human beings.
I love being alone, and yet I realized that I love people.
There is something about the very existence of human beings that I find unbearably dear.
I started out thinking about the desire to show oneself off.
And somehow, this is what remained at the end.
What would I still want if no one could ever see it?
Not something I could own.
Just someone whose existence in this world I would never want to lose.